Getting A 'Sleep Divorce'August 06 2019
Most people who are in love with their spouse might find the title of this article a little unnerving but it's really not meant to be a negative thing. After all, you can love the one you're with but that doesn't mean that you want to be with them all of the time. Just think about it, after the first few months of being together when, in most cases, a new couple just can't get enough of one another, there comes a point where individuals just feel the need for some space and to get back to exploring who they are. This means that they start to rekindle relationships with friends that they probably let slip by the wayside as they became deeply involved with their new partner. It also may mean getting back to hobbies and other activities that they either like to do by themselves or are simply not of interest to their new mates. Whatever the case may be, there are few people who would say that have some time to yourself or simply apart from your lover is a bad thing.
I Just Need A Little Space
Again, these words generally bring on a lot of negative feelings in the one their being said to but, when one stops to think about it, most people can think of a time when they want to say it themselves. So, when one stops to think about it, these are just words that let someone close to you know that keeping your relationship fresh and desirable is, in many ways, dependent on giving yourself a break from it in order to pursue other interests or, simply, to let yourself be you. And. this is where one has to consider the kind of "alone time" that is seldom contemplated and talked about even less. Yes, we're talking about sleeping separately.
Now, to about seventy-five percent of all couples who actually live together this seems like a bridge too far. After all, isn't one of the most intimate acts in any relationship the chance to be together when we lay down to sleep? The answer is a definite yes but those who do quickly come to realize that they are then sharing about a third of their life with another person right on top of them. And, since that person is alive (and possibly kicking) the whole sleeping together thing can really cramp one's style.
After all, no one would seriously argue that being bounced around by another person tossing and turning is a good thing. And, no one would really say that another person's snoring or other bodily functions are a pleasure to listen to.
Taking That Leap
As we mentioned earlier, statistics show that about seventy-five percent of couples who live together sleep in the same bed. And, for those who are old enough to remember some of the television shows from the nineteen-fifties and sixties where we saw the stars of those shows portraying couples who slept in separate beds in the same room it seems like a pretty dated concept to be doing that after the sexual revolution that came shortly after that. Yes, for those who were around to see the vast majority of our society's television and movie role models start portraying couple who acted like real people it's a hard thing to think about going back to ideas that were founded in a much more conservative set of rules.
Still, the fact of the matter is that a couple can be incredibly intimate and have even the most intense love life and still be allowed to have their own space when it comes to getting the rest and relaxation that each and every one of us needs and deserves. So, if sleeping separately is something that you think you may want to explore there are a few challenges that you will have to face.
Clearly, no divorce of any kind happens without someone bringing it up as a serious consideration. And, because the subject likely comes with a lot of trepidation it is likely that someone will have to work up some courage before raising the topic. After all, if there have been no other signals from the other party that they are interested in exploring the subject, it could come as quite a shock and lead to a lot of hurt feelings and discomfort. Still, in the case of a sleep divorce, it just might be something that both parties will find worth exploring given that it doesn't mean that you are asking for a real break up and that it means that both of you will really get something that you both want and will likely only enhance your relationship just like getting some space in other areas of your life does.
When the big discussion finally happens it is important to focus on the positives. For one thing it doesn't mean that the two of you are really missing out any anything that you will likely miss. For instance, there is no nothing in the language of a sleep divorce that says that a couple can't spend time laying in the same bed and just doing the same things that couple who do sleep together do like reading or watching television together. It also doesn't mean that they can't just lay there holding each other and talking about all the very private and intimate things that couples tend to save for those closest moments.
What it does mean is that when that moment comes where one or both of you are ready to drop off that one of you makes the move to your own separate space so that both of you can get that deeply quiet and personal space that nearly all of us truly want and need.
Having it Your Way
So, you finally did it - you are alone in your own bed and your mate is somewhere close by in their own space and you are nestled into a space that, if planned out properly, is a space that you can truly call your own. This aspect of the sleep divorce is critical as both parties have to feel that they have not lost a space but gained one that provides them with the feeling that they are at home and in a place that truly represents them and offers them the items that will be conducive to a restful and relaxing night's sleep.
In other words, each person should feel that they got a space that they are comfortable with and doesn't make them feel that they were banished from their rightful place in the home. This is important because feelings of resentment and loss are likely to lead to tension and unhappiness and that could be a disaster for the relationship as a whole.
Instead, it is critical that both of you feel that you have a space that, at least in your minds, feels equal and doesn't cause any kind of power dynamic. Also, that space should be made to look and feel like it is the sole domain of the one who will be sleeping there. This means decorating it with items that truly reflect the personality of the one who inhabits it.
For guys this could mean making their private sleep space an extension of their man cave or, if they don't have one of those, it could become that kind of space that they otherwise would not have. And, for the ladies, just think about what it would be like to have the bedroom that truly expresses all things that make you who you really are.
And To All A Good Night
In the final analysis the question of whether to get a sleep divorce comes down to a few basic considerations. For one thing, couples have to ask themselves if they think that they are truly happy in actually sleeping in the same bed. What we know is that studies have shown that about a quarter of couples who live together have already chosen to spend their sleeping hours in their own space. So, the question is whether or not that would make the both of you any happier than you are now. Of course, there could be a major issue if you find out that one of you just can't deal with that proposition for whatever reason. But, if, after analyzing your feelings, you both decide that trying it is worth the trouble the two of you could realize that getting all the benefits of nearly every important waking moment together and then getting the opportunity to have a completely restful night's sleep safe in the knowledge that your most loved one is close by but not too close by might be a real life changer for the both of you.
Finally, it should be pointed out that just because the two of you have decided to give yourself the option to sleep alone doesn't mean that the two of you have to go that route. In fact, you might even find that having options in where and how you sleep could be even more liberating.